5 Ways to Know If You’re a Perfectionist

I am a recovering Perfectionist. Notice how I said “recovering” instead of “recovered?” I still have things I’m working on when it comes to my Perfectionist tendencies, and I’ve accepted this as part of my healing journey.

I used to wear Perfectionism like a badge of honor on my chest to brag about. When I thought of the word, Perfectionist, I thought the word meant “someone who strives for excellence, is incredibly organized, and secretly wants to be right all the time.” Granted, these are some surface level qualities for sure, but being a Perfectionist runs so much deeper than we think.

After years of research on this topic, I realized that Perfectionism can stem from unhealthy relationships, demanding careers, childhood trauma, or even obsessive infatuation with the media. It starts with an event in our lives that makes us feel like we aren’t good enough and then we spend the rest of our lives trying to prove it by striving for perfection.

When I first embarked on this journey, not many people realized the difference between being a Perfectionist and being a person who works hard to be successful. The hard worker knows that their failures don’t define who they are, they know that it’s just a part of life. They don’t let it reflect how they feel about themselves and their abilities. Perfectionists, however, avoid failing at all costs, maintain control over their lives in order to do this, and when they do experience failure, let it negatively affect their self-worth. Very different from just wanting to succeed.

I wanted to share the top 5 characteristics of Perfectionists to help others to better understand that these people aren’t just hard workers. They allow not being perfect to completely paralyze them into a state of self-sabotage and fear. Reading through this list, do you have some of these qualities? If so, how does it affect your everyday life? How do you feel about yourself? Or maybe this sounds like someone you may know.

Our culture glorifies the Perfectionist, when in reality these people are deeply hurting with their own self-image. If we can recognize some of these signs in ourselves as well as our loved ones, we can limit passing down Perfectionism to the younger generation and repeating this fear of failure mentality.

I am working on my Perfectionism much like many people, but I now know the why behind my thoughts. I’m more empowered to choose a different self-analyzing lens. It all starts with self-awareness and being really honest with yourself.

1. You have unrealistic expectations of yourself and others.

Perfectionists hold themselves to a very high standard whether it be at work, in school, on social media, their image, and even their reputation. Sometimes this high standard can be a lot to uphold and maintain causing stress and anxiety. Wanting to be successful should not come at the cost of our mental well being. When we are constantly putting perfection as the normal for our lives, we live in this state of fear and judgement not only for ourselves, but others.

When I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, I expected the same from my friends and family. I would constantly judge others for their decisions because I was judging my own all the time. This pressure on our loved ones can cause relationship issues and that person may not want you around if you’re always questioning their choices.

Give yourself and others some grace. Leave some room for you to breathe and look at what standards you’re giving yourself. Are they making you stressed? Are they realistic for the lifestyle you want to lead right now? Perfectionists are considered high-acheivers, but if ticking boxes and living inauthentically is the cost of that, is it really living?

2. You avoid failing or activities that would make you appear not perfect.

Perfectionists do not like to look bad. They avoid social situations that could possibly reveal that they aren’t as perfect as they pretend to be. Remember that standard we talked about above? They are trying extremely hard to uphold it, so they will do anything they can to limit failiure, especially in the presence of others. This can cause social isolation for Perfectionists. Instead of thinking about connection and fun, they are thinking about what others may think of them.

I experienced this as a singer. I would be asked to go to kareoke night at the bars to enjoy my friends’ company. However, I would regularly opt-out. Why? Because I was scared of singing bad. I am a professsional singer and I was holding a standard for myself that I couldn’t suck, ever. If I cracked or forgot the words or didn’t appear “professional enough” (which is hilarious becasue we were in a bar), then I would feel shitty about myself. I actually thought my friends would judge me and think “How can she be a professional singer when she sucks at karoke?” I’m laughing now as a write this, but I truely believed this, FOR YEARS, my friend.

I didn’t develop the relationships that I wanted. I didn’t have any grace to give myself if I were to fail. I couldn’t connect with other humans about failure because I was trying so hard to hide from it.

3. You never feel like you’re ready or know enough about a topic.

Perfectionists never feel like they are fully ready for experiences. They feel like everything must be perfect for them to do something new or for the first time because there is a likelihood that they could fail. They feel like if they are the MOST prepared, the risk of failing is diminished. The reality is, Perfectionists never feel like they are ready. What does prepared enough even mean to them? They spend hours, days, weeks, months, and even years wasting time worrying about failing and preparing for the worst by researching. They procrasti-research or procrasti-learn themselves out of doing things or even trying something new. They like comfort and they will make the excuse of learning more about something to justify this fear of failing.

This was totally ME with my business. I spent months & years trying to figure out my niche market for my coaching practice before I could officially call myself a business and take myself seriously. I couldn’t move onto other things in my practice until I felt like everything was perfect: my logo, my website, my headshots, even business cards. What the most ridiculous thing is, all I needed to do was look in the mirror. I am the woman I need to help. The Perfectionist who has decision paralysis and can’t move past first base until everything is perfect.

4. You thrive on control. 

Perfectionists loveeeee to be in control. OF EVERYTHING. They think that by planning everything, procrasti-learning/researching, and never letting anyone see their failures, they can be in complete control over their lives. Guess what? Life is non-controllable. SHIT HAPPENS no matter how much you plan. I mean, case and point –> 2020. Perfectionists were probably freaking out this year because they couldn’t trouble shoot anything. They were probably feeling a lot of shame and embarrassment for the things going wrong in their lives instead of being grateful for what they were doing well, like surviving.

They need to show the world that they are successful, strong, powerful, dependable, stable, and essentially perfect. To do this, they need control and when they don’t have it, their fear creeps in. One failure for a Perfectionist can completely derail them. They beat themselves up about it, constantly questioning whether it was something they could’ve forseen or planned for. They didn’t try hard enough to avoid failure and the Perfectionist feels a lot of guilt for that. Control is Queen. Spontaneity is debilitating.

5. Your appearance is a reflection of your self-worth. 

Lastly, Perfectionists are obsessed with their self-image. They have their makeup done, they value what their clothes look like (including what brand they purchase), and they include filters in their social media, much like other non-Perfectionists. The only difference is that they are doing these things out of fear. They are scared that someone might see what they really look like without all the cover-ups to hide behind. Going bare face on their social media or being in candid/unplanned photos are something Perfectionists avoid. They are all about that control, remember?

Perfectionists also believe that people will judge them for their appearance. If they expose themselves and peel back the layers of who they really are (be vulnerable) and someone doesn’t like that, Perfectionists feel like it is a personal attack. They believe that if someone doesn’t like them, they aren’t valued or loved, which is every human’s worst nightmare. Others’ negative judgement= their negative self-worth.

A huge theme in the Perfectionist’s world is NOT FAILING. Their days are spent avoiding failure by planning, troubleshooting, learning, and judging every part of their lives. They believe that when they fail, it doesn’t just mean they failed at that activity. Yet, they reflect that failure on themselves. They think that THEY are the failure, not their actions.

So, yes, Perfectionists are hard workers. They appear to have their shit together, but what is really going on in their heads? Ask yourself or your loved ones, do they believe their failures affect their self-worth? Are they scared to fail? Do they break down when they make one mistake? Are they constantly judging themselves and others harshly? These questions are important. It can help us to differintiate between a Perfectionist and a hard worker, and start to work through our society’s “fear of failure” mentality.

Are You a Perfectionst? 

I understand how you must be feeling right now. To realize that all of your organizing, planning, and hard working tendencies come from a place of fear and shame. To be embarrassed at the fact that you were bragging to others that you were a Perfectionist and didn’t really know the true meaning. I am not saying that you should feel ashamed of being one. Yet, personal growth starts with a deep understanding of who we are right now, realizing if it’s who we want to be moving forward, and strategizing a different path that includes acceptance and self-love.

I was you. I was trying to be perfect, avoiding failure, and my self-worth suffered because of it. I had to teach myself how to love every part of me and recognize that with failure comes learning and empowering growth. Failing is ok.

I would love to chat with you to better understand your story and how Perfectionism is holding you back from Fully Loving You. Click here to contact me directly or email me at jeannadanielscoaching@yahoo.com.

I’m also putting together a Community space for other Perfectionists to connect, share and build each other up while we navigate this time of uncertainty (especially when we are the people who thrive from control). Stay tuned for that very soon. Until then, let me send you some Love Letters every week to build you up, inspire you, motivate you, and give you life tips on the way.

Perfectionism doesn’t have to dictate your life. Let me show you another way.