Before my wedding, I had this fear. As the days got closer, I kept envisioning me walking down the aisle. All eyes on me, terrifying. You would think that I would be used to it by now, being an entertainer, but it’s an entirely different experience. I still get nervous onstage, but playing a character is so much less stressful and vulnerable than playing yourself.
When I kept thinking about this, it brought up a bunch of other thoughts about my performing career. Why was I so confident playing other people, and not myself? I can see now that acting and performing were my way of hiding who I really was. No one thought that I lacked confidence because on stage I was someone else. Someone who was fun, whitty, playful, beautiful, kind, warm…I thought I could never walk onstage as Jeanna Grace Daniels and expect the same praise as my alter egos.
Growing up, I knew that I was talented, and I knew others valued that in me. I started to believe that this talent was all I had to offer as a person. The stakes became high when I couldn’t deliver what was expected of me. I would avoid things such a karaoke because god forbid if I sang bad. What would people think of me? Would people judge me for this? Would they even like me anymore without my voice?
Reading the infamous book, The Five Love Languages really opened my eyes to the love I was lacking in my life. I realized that my love language was touch and no one around me was feeding me in my desired dialect. This lead me to think, that to be valued and worthy I was to prove that I am worth being valued. Which, resulted in showcasing my talents to others and being outwardly confident, when in reality my self-worthiness was shattering.
I was washing my face one night when this thought came to my head. As a young child, all we want is to be heard, loved, and valued. Our culture showed me that by being good at something or looking good is the only way you can be loved. Falling into the performing industry just made sense because of my natural gifts, but was it the right choice for my sensitive and love hungry soul? I believe everything happens for a reason. I feel that if I weren’t to have had these experiences in the arts and the discoveries I’ve made after taking a Sabbatical from it, I would not have learned so much about myself and the world around me. It took stepping out of the glitter and glamour to open my eyes at what was in front of me in the mirror this entire time. ME. Not a character, not a singer/dancer/actress. Not a super happy, bubbly person, but Jeanna.
I sat down and wrote out all of the things that come to mind when I think about who I am. I loved this activity for myself, I encourage everyone to do this. A lot of times, we can get caught up in our work place or our environment and think that those things define us. That we cannot be someone else or even disagree with what’s happening in front of us. I am so much more than people label me as.
I am…..
Empathetic
Achiever
Connector
Warm maternal energy
Giver
Lover
Impatient
Organized
Sensitive
Creative
Learner
Health Coach
Hugger (sometimes butt tapper)
Personal Developer
Professional Singer
Acceptable dancer
Passionate and energetic Actress
Beginner Voice-Over professional
Podcaster
Business Owner
Animal and Baby whisperer
Avocado addict
Bread and Butter fiend
Coffee drinker
Writer
Listener
Yogi
Barre Fan
Minimalist
Holistic
Recovering Perfectionist
Blanket cuddler
Entrepreneur
Good friend
Hostess
Cat Mom
Wife
Passionate
Sexy
Control Freak
Chatty
Questioner
Seaman
Loner
Leader
Lemon (lululemon)
Curvy
Hair Model
Dolphin
Reader
Cold Weather Lover
Bare Face
Cheerleader
Dolphin
Popcorn crusher
I walked down the aisle as me and only me. I did not pretend to be someone else for the benefit of others. I walked towards the man who loves every single essence of my being and didn’t look back. I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of being in fear of rejection, I’m tired of the expectations I put on myself. I walked forward as Mrs. Gillespie, 30 years old, and the bravest I’ve ever been.
Have any self-love stories? Comment below or you can email me at jeannadanielscoaching@yahoo.com. This world we live in is tough, why not bring ourselves up instead of limiting ourselves everyday. If there is any inspiration you got from this post, feel free to do this activity yourself, share it, and tag me so I can see it.
Who you are is enough.
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